- People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
- Not everyone has a right to his own opinion. If he doesn’t know the facts, his opinion doesn’t count.
- All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
- Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
Death is a distant rumor to the young.
I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
Obscenities… I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can’t think of what they want to say and they’re frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren’t very smart – want to be just one of the boys.
It’s paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can’t eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as ‘progress’, doesn’t spread.
All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
Don’t rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
We’re all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones.
I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It’s sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn’t hurt.
Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?
Let’s make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We’ll pick a week next year and we’ll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.
I’m in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it’s wrong that I get fired, well, I’ve got enough to eat.
My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.
The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it’s probably a good thing. We don’t need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
The Super Bowl isn’t for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
A writer’s job is to tell the truth.
As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
I don’t pick subjects as much as they pick me.
I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don’t return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you.
I like ice hockey, but it’s a frustrating game to watch. It’s hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn’t realize they thought. And they say, ‘Hey, yeah!’ And they like that.
The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever ‘curling’ means.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Writers don’t retire. I will always be a writer.
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I like guests who don’t want to do what I want to do but feel free to wander off on their own.
I have never met a cat I liked.
Being broke is a terrible feeling but it’s probably an experience everyone ought to have once in a lifetime.
There are idiots who will buy anything as long as it costs enough.
My idea of heaven would be to die and awaken in a place that has all my lost things.
If you wonder what anyone thinks of you, consider what you think of them.
Not everyone has a right to his own opinion. If he doesn’t know the facts, his opinion doesn’t count.
The store clerk who asks, ‘May I help you with something?’ can hardly ever help.
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When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: My life sucks, my job sucks and my wife doesn’t.
Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Andy Rooney’s Ten Best Quotes
by WSJ Staff
http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2011/09/27/andy-rooney-stepping-down-from-60-minutes-role/
Veteran commentator Andy Rooney is stepping down from his role at “60 Minutes.”
Rooney, 92, began his run on the show in July of 1978, and became a fixture on the program that fall.
Rooney has become known for his folksy, often curmudgeonly, TV essays on life, culture and news events.
In Rooney’s book “Andy Rooney: 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit,” he wrote “The process by which each of us acquires a reputation isn’t independent of our character. It almost always depends more on the decisions we make than on chance occurrences.”
Rooney was born in Albany, New York, in 1919. His father worked as a traveling salesman for the Albany Felt Company, and his mother was a stay at home mom. “I’ve often wondered how she was able to get so much satisfaction from doing for us what so many mothers do today without satisfaction,” he wrote.
Rooney was drafted into the Army in 1942 and began his career in journalism writing for Stars and Stripes newspaper. “I can’t deny that The War–we call World War II ‘The War,’ as though there had never been another–was the ultimate experience for anyone in it,” he wrote in his book “My War.” After World War II, he got a job with CBS as a writer for “Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts.”
“60 Minutes” posted a story on Rooney leaving his role on its website, saying, in part that “Andy Rooney will announce on this Sunday’s ’60 Minutes’ that it will be his last regular appearance on the broadcast. Rooney, 92, has been featured on ’60 Minutes’ since 1978.”